In marriage counseling, we've been doing Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy- which is basically identifying your triggers- where you feel shame, rage, fear, etc and gently reassuring those parts that you know they were there to protect you from something and they're only trying to serve you, but you don't need them anymore. It's a lot of facing past hurts and little kid versions of yourself that are still popping and messing up your relationship and life with their little squirts of pain and ego. It's making friends with your defenses so that you can peacefully put them away. It's reframing things to say, "What do you need?" instead of "Why the fuck are you doing this?"
It's tender stuff. It's helping me be way more compassionate to myself and those around me. Robb and I are now saying things to each other like, "YOUR WOUNDED PARTS ARE HURTING MY WOUNDED PARTS RIGHT NOW" instead of, "Stop being a dick, you dick."
Sometimes my midwestern roots tell me this is naval-gazing nonsence, but what I've concluded is we're obsessed with ourselves no matter if we're trying to process and understand ourselves or if we're just along for the ride- so I might as well try to find out who I am and seek peace inside it.
It's been a hard few weeks. Our poor youngest is moving through a lot of trauma and going back into a school environment- a place that's often been hostile and scary for them. It's been uncertain and stressful for me, waiting to see what this life might look like, where I'll be needed, what kind of wounds I'll be caring for- and I can feel it deeply in my body. It wasn't until today, when they finally bounced into school for the second happy day in a row, that I felt the tears coming.
I never cry when I'm sad or hurt. I've long assumed it's my antidepressant sucking the tears back into their ducts but now I'm thinking it's a self-protective ancient part of me. It's not that I can't cry- I cry for characters in movies and my eyes get rul wet when I feel peace and relief.
So looking at it from IFS- I think that some little kid version of me thought I wasn't allowed to be sad, or at least not visibly sad. I had to stay stoic and ready for the next thing. Maybe sad feels normal and happy throws me off? When someone is nice to me, loving to me, cares for me and makes it feel a little bit easier to be me, I get teary. When I feel disappointed or wounded by people, dry. So now I'm saying to whatever little part in me feels like she isn't allowed to be sad or is bracing herself for the next disappointment, that I get why she's doing that, but I got it now. Forty-three year-old me can handle the big feelings. We're allowed to feel it as it comes. We're allowed to feel hopeful, to have expectations and needs. To want joy.
So that's where I am today. Feeling relief for the peace and joy my kid is experiencing, feeling grateful I can put my guard down a bit. Feeling like all parts of me deserve love and attention and are allowed to just be without judgement. It's tricky but I'm learning.
Anyone else like this? Crying at the happy instead of the sad?
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